The Tragical Comedy or Comical Tragedy of Witch Atsuko Kagari
by Raphael Antonello
Summary: No one ever needed to tell Akko Kagari that life was hard; she knew that from the day she was born. So, in the tradition of all witches, she's finally enlisted a familiar to her aid, to help her shine bright as a great witch and maybe do her chores for a change. But Akko never was a careful student, and it seems she's summoned one hell of a problem instead...


_The Tragical Comedy or Comical Tragedy of Witch Atsuko Kagari_

 **Chorus** :

Listen now, all those with ears to hear. Watch now, all those with eyes to see, for this is the tale of Atsuko Kagari, the wicked witch of Glastonbury who became enchanted with a demented fairy, who severed her bond with the Olde Nine Above to cavort with fiends who wear foxglove. This is a tale sordid and grim, to warn those well groomed and prim of the fate that befalls those in sin.

For who can find rapturous joy, those tricked by a demonic ploy? For the foolish Kagari cannot be found, lying happy, safe and sound in the sunny fields of Elysian, nor the the peaceful Garden of Eden. She rests not in the musical land of Fiddler's Green, nor in Asphodel Meadows as its queen. Nay, Kagari now lives in the heart of Pandæmonium, tied with her master who reeks of Conium.

It all started, many a year ago, when the witch gathered all things that grow. She worked tirelessly, day and night, to summon a sprite that would not bite. She desired a powerful helper, a soul that could endure any weather, someone gifted and strong who would help her belong. For you see, little Kagari was a talentless hack who always received heavy flak, and felt what she truly required was an awesome sprite to be admired.

So let us sit down and watch as this little witch is taken down a notch.

 **Chapter 1** : I Meant to Do That

It was a dark and stormy night. The sky was black as pitch, and the storm blanketed the sky, smothering out all light from the moon and stars above. The clouds rolled tumultuously as thunder rumbled like a roaring stampede of wild beasts. Soon, the heavens would open up and rain down a cold, merciless deluge that would drown out the weak and helpless on this green Earth. Truly, this was a night fitting for the arcane, where dirty deeds were done in the darkness and mysteries were seen only by the creatures of the night. This was the witching hour, when witches and spirits made merry and plotted vile schemes against the daughters of Eve.

… or at least, that's what it should have been like. As it was, it was little before dusk, with the sun peeking just below the horizon. The land was bathed in a gentle reddish-orange glow, and while storm clouds were indeed gathering, they were hardly thick with rain; at best, there would be a light shower before ten, nourishing the crops of the local farms.

That said, the witch apprentice Atsuko Kagari, better known as Akko, wasn't letting that get her down. So what if it wasn't rainy? Akko hated getting caught in the rain, and besides heavy rainfall would wash away the ingredients for her summoning ritual. So what if it wasn't midnight? In Akko's opinion, there wasn't any task so important that it couldn't be done during the day. A lot of important work was done during the day, like farming. Akko knew and respected many farmers, all who worked hard and broke their backs to feed her and those like her. So how could she disrespect them and years of tradition by working late at night just to practice her witchcraft? Even Akko knew where to draw her limits.

So, flying in the face of years of witchcraft tradition, Akko gathered together her ingredients for a summoning ritual. After three years of tutelage underneath her mentor, Ursula Callistis, Akko felt it was high time she got a familiar. After all, Professor Ursula– it felt weird to call Ursula anything else, even if she had retired from the University a decade ago– had her familiar Alcor and witch apprentices with half her experience already had familiars of their own, so Akko felt she was owed this.

Akko worked quietly alone atop a grassy knoll just outside of the town of Glastonbury, where she lived together with Professor Ursula; for some reason, all magic spells were known to violently explode if done improperly, so for everyone's safety, Akko chose some place far from any burnable thatches or easily spooked farm animals. Thankfully, even though the closest druid circle was 10 miles south of Glastonbury, and Queen Mab was still sore about that time with the fairy circle, Akko had found a nearby place that was conveniently empty: the local potter's field. For some reason, no one seemed to visit this place often and it was very spacious, so Akko knew it was a safe place to perform magic.

Akko was certain that her mentor, Ursula Callistis, would approve: after all, there was all this free space no one was using! It was a practical choice, and Akko was nothing if not practical.

Now, after weeks of hard preparation and many sleepless nights, Akko was almost done summoning her first familiar. As Akko poured the last of the purified salt, forming a perfect circle around another circle where an inverse star was embedded, she began to chant the summoning spell.

"Come to me, spirit from beyond of veil of this realm. _Sint mihi dei Acherontis propitii_! I implore thee come hither to this circle. _Valeat numen triplex Novem_!"

While still mumbling the chant beneath her breath, Akko carefully planted a symbol of the elements into four circles, which were embedded between two concentric circles in the outer ring of the summoning circle. Each time she placed an element into the circle, a pulse of green magic rippled through the salt like the light of glowworms. First Akko placed a tray of burning incense for fire, to symbolize the light of knowledge. Next she placed a jug of pure spring water, to symbolize the lifeblood the flowed through all mortal creatures. After that came a pebble Akko found in her shoe just five minutes earlier for earth, for… uh, she slept through that part of her lessons. Mystic insignia filled the borders of the circles, written in the most ancient of tongues.

" _Orientis princeps Belzebub, inferni ardentis monarcha, et Demogorgon, propitiamus vos, ut appareat et surgat_ …!"

If Akko was being completely honest, she didn't know most of the words she was speaking: it was all Latin to her. She simply read from a musty old spellbook, which was propped up by a pair of small stones nearby; she glanced at it every few seconds to keep on track, which was easier said than done when the words kept crawling across the page, as if trying to escape her eyes. The words burned a fiery red and sickly green. The apprentice witch had found the spellbook in a case of black obsidian in Ursula's basement.

It struck Akko as an odd place to keep one's books; she really would need to talk to Ms. Ursula about taking proper care of her things. But for now, it was clearly unused, so Akko saw no harm in 'borrowing' it for the afternoon.

"... _per Novem, Gehennam, et minorem scissionibus quam nunc spargo, signumque triskelion quod nunc facio, et per vota vota nostra_ …!"

Akko threw a sprig of hemlock into the center of the summoning circle, where a dozen arcane ingredients lay in a disorganized pile. Many of the ingredients had been blotted out in the spellbook, as if the writer had spilled a vial of magical ink onto the pages; Akko could barely make out the words, so she just threw together any ingredients she thought her familiar spirit might like. The pile contained no less than three eyes of newt, two salamander's tail, the crushed bones of the firstborn hare of spring and a trichobezoar collected from the gut of a fox.

Most of the ingredients made Akko's stomach turn when she remembered how she got them, but the witch apprentice steeled herself; it would all be worth it once she had a familiar!

All that was left was were the final touches. With a flourish, Akko scattered the petals of a lavender, amaryllis, cedar, hydrangea, and lobelia flower into the air and called out, "... _ipse nunc surgat nobis dicatus Manbavaran_!"

The moment Akko spoke those final words, the flower petals took on a blood red hue. They drifted through the air as if carried by the wind, gently swirling around the center of the summoning circle. There was the whisper of unseen forces and the distinct tingle of magic in the air; Akko suddenly tasted copper on her tongue, the flavor of magic. One by one, the petals fell onto the pile of ingredients, and the greenish glow of the summoning circle grew brighter and brighter.

With each petal fall, the blood red hue was absorbed by the ingredients, as if blood was truly flowing over it. The burning incense flared a purple flame and images appeared in the fire; the visages of melting faces and burning skulls rose into the air, screaming silently in agony. As the last ingredient grew red, the pile now resembled the battered remains of a human, dashed to pieces into a pile viscera and gore. Akko felt her breath hitch as she stared at the sight before her.

But even as Akko felt the first trickle of fear seep through her veins, the suicidally optimistic witch couldn't help but wonder, _I wonder what kind of familiar it'll be? Maybe it'll be a raven like Alcor, or a cat like Diana's familiar. That would be cute. I just hope it's not something… scary..._

Just then, the pile seemed to shift. Maybe it was a trick of the light, or Akko's imagination, but the pile almost seemed to be… breathing. The center of the blood red pile moved, and for a moment Akko thought it might be collapsing underneath its own weight, but then it moved an inch towards her. Another inch. And another.

 _Oh_ , Akko thought numbly, taking a nervous half-step back as the blood red pile drew closer to her. _I might have made a boo-boo._

With a flicker, the greenish glow of the summoning circle died like snuffing out the flame of a candle. It remained inert for a moment, simply a circle of salt on grass. Sofly, it began to glow purple much like the incense.

Then, without warning, the summoning circle exploded.

The effect was instant: from deep beneath the Earth, a massive jet of green flame erupted from the ground and shot into the air, sending firing chunks of dirt and rock flying everywhere. The blood red pile was engulfed immediately, much like a storm at sea engulfs castoff sailors. A wall of heat struck Akko in the face, shoving her down onto her seat; her tailbone struck a rock, sending a stab of pain through her whole body. The jet of flame soared violently up towards the sky, almost as if trying to reach the stars. The summoning circle glowed a harsh purple, and the air shrieked with the screams of an unholy chorus.

" _Quae dicitur, et haec adest. Filia prima Manbavaran!_ _Exsultate, exsultate! Infernum est puer et ambules in terra in aeternum. Hic est. Exsultate, exsultate_!"

Akko could only stare wide-eyed, her jaw dropped as the torrent of hellfire blazed on. The potter's field, which once smelled faintly of apples from Glastonbury's recent apple harvest, now smelled of rotten eggs and putrid bodies.

"What the hell is going on?" Akko said softly to herself, even as the unholy chorus shrieked on, heedless to its listeners. Akko watched her former pile of hard-won ingredients go up in smoke, burnt to black ash and sent skyward.

The ash swirled and spun like flower petals on the wind. One piece of ash hit another piece, and strangely clumped together. More and more pieces of ash hit and clung together, as if drawn by an invisible force. The pieces of ash formed a chain, and other chains soon formed as well. They took on a peculiar structure, almost like bone. If Akko didn't know any better, she'd almost say they were forming a… a…

 _Oh_.

Caught in a blaze of sickly green fire, a burnt black skeleton slowly formed as the ash spun around it like a maelstrom, a spine forming first in the center before ribs grew out like spikes. Skeletal arms formed next, followed by a skull. A devilish red fire flared into life inside the empty sockets, staring starward. A pair of sharp horns formed out of the skull, in defiance to the visage of humankind.

Then, before Akko could think any further, the still forming skeleton leveled its gaze on her. She squeaked with fright as the skeleton stared at her with unblinking eyes of flame. The skeleton lifted a single hand and pointed a bony finger at her. A stab of pain hit Akko's chest as the skeleton pointed, even as muscle and sinew erupted from the still-forming skeleton and slowly coated the naked bone with flesh.

 _Oh no._ Akko thought, clutching her hand to her chest. _Don't tell me… I s-summoned a d-d-de_ – _!_

A sudden sharp pain hit Akko in the head, coursing through her entire body. Her vision flickered, and even as she fought for consciousness, Akko felt the darkness consume her. The last thing Akko saw were those burning red eyes as eyeballs filled the sockets, and the toothy grin of a skeletal barring down on her…


End file.
